dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
