No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
