I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
