R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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