Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
