I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
