Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
