Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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