I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Randomize