I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
