i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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