they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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