highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
