if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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