you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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