wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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