Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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