A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
we should paint friendship bongs
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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