I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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