I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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