here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
