Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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