My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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