I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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