One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Randomize
