Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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