Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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