Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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