Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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