I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize