I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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