she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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