i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
