i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
