your thong is hanging out like whoa
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
