I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
