I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
