I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
