How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
