whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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