If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
