Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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