Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Holy sore nipples Batman
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
