Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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