mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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