So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
