Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
