I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
