fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
