Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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