omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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