if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
just tell him i said nine months
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I enjoy the company of your penis
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize