I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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