You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
