You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
