she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
