So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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