We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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