My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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