My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize